I Hate Everyone, Except You by Clinton Kelly

Author:Clinton Kelly
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Gallery Books

CLINTON FOR PRESIDENT!

Joan Rivers released a comedy album in 1983 called What Becomes a Semi-Legend Most? I literally have no idea how an 8-track of it found its way into my first car a few years later, but I listened to it constantly for a month or so, until I stopped laughing at the jokes out of familiarity. Today, I remember little about her routine, except one short bit that still resonates with me:

“Drugs,” Joan says. “I don’t do drugs. But every once in a while I sprinkle a little Fresca on a panty shield. Perks me right up.”

For thirty years I used a variation of that line at countless parties when offered a toke of this or a snort of that. “Nah, I don’t feel like doing a bong hit right now, I just reapplied Fresca to my panty shield and, dude, I am trippin’ balls.” I don’t think anyone ever laughed, just gave me that aloof, slightly confused look I usually reserve for people with really short bangs or novelty hosiery.

I’m just not that into drugs, despite the fact that I’ve done my fair share of them. It’s a control thing, really. I know exactly what I’m going to feel like after two margaritas (horny and bitchy) or three gin and tonics (horny and exhibitionistic), but with drugs you never know what kind of high—or low—you’re going to have. The last time I chased half a joint with a Vicodin I ended up screaming obscenities at a leprechaun because he was shitting pennies all over my living room. The next day the woman who lived across the hall told me she thought I had been babysitting until she heard me yell, “If I see one more coin come out of your ass, so help me God!” at which point she assumed I had a “special friend” over.

That was 2004 and I haven’t done recreational drugs since, yet I’m kind of intrigued by people who do. Do they use because they want to get out of their own heads, or do they need to? And where are these people going that’s so great, because I never got there. I did have a fantasy for a while about composing a series of mystical essays after ingesting different substances. You know, one Saturday chew a few ’shrooms and write about the meaning of life; the next, take some LSD and see if I can channel Buddha. And so on and so on, until the only drugs I haven’t done are crank and bath salts. I chickened out, mostly because I don’t want to die, but on some level I think it would be fun.

So, recently I tried a much safer, somewhat legal version.

I was in San Francisco after a trip to Los Angeles for work and I asked a friend of mine—Renée—with a medicinal marijuana prescription for her “anxiety” to buy me one dose of an edible, because I was conducting an experiment. She asked what the experiment entailed and I

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.